TRIGGER WARNING: for transmisogyny, transphobia, cissexism.
I’m visiting San Francisco and today was the Folsom Street Fair. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to the fair itself, but I figured there would be clubs hopping tonight.
I got dressed in my fetish outfit - vinyl minidress with pleather thigh high boots and patent leather opera-length gloves. I wanted to go out and experience the city. Big mistake.
I went to Stud first on the recommendation of a taxi driver who said that Stud would be full of lesbians It wasn’t. I left and went to the Lexington Club, the only full time lesbian bar in the city.
After I got there, I ordered and received my drink. A woman next to me checks me out and starts talking to me. We make some small talk, and all of a sudden, she says to me, “You were born a dude.” I say, “Yes.” Then she says, “Goodbye.”
I go back to my drink and mind my business. Then she turns to me and says, “It must suck to be you.” I say, “No, not really.” She gestures at her neck and says, “I can see your…” I say, “OK.” She says, “I’m desperate, but I wouldn’t do you.” It was loud in the bar, and I didn’t hear her clearly, so I ask, “What?” She clarifies, “I’m desperate; I would do any bio woman here, but I wouldn’t do you. How does that make you feel?” I say, “I wouldn’t do you either, so I guess we’re even.” She turns away.
I go back to my drink and mind my business again. After about a minute, she turns back and says, “At least with me, women know what they’re getting.” I say, “Women know what they’re getting with me too; I’m not trying to hide.” She looks me up and down and says, “Really?” I say, “Yeah.” She says, “Have you cut it off yet?” I say, “No.” She turns away in disgust and leaves.
Fuck the world, but especially cis lesbians and cis people.
On behalf of my city may I apologize, and say fuck the Lex which hosts all those Original Plumbing release parties and yet is so unwelcoming to trans women. Fuck your transmisogyny and your double standard, trans man chasing, trans woman hating women at the Lex. It is so, so typical.
ouch. can we stop pretending the bay area is queer utopia (homotopia?) now?
BAY AREA/WORLD GET YR SHIT TOGETHER OKAY?
Wow, I guess it’s okay to take one person’s bad behavior as an excuse to say hateful things about entire groups! Cool. So I met this black guy once, and what a bastard! Fuck black people!
Oh, it’s only okay if you fancy yourself a minority? Oh, I see how equality works.
Are you for fucking REAL RIGHT NOW????
There is ABSOLUTELY no fucking comparison between when someone in a privileged group express hatred towards a group they are privileged over because of the acts of a single individual….. and when someone who is repeatedly, systemically, and violently oppressed and marginalized by a privileged class of people expresses hatred towards that group.
Pull your head out of your ass. No one owes you a fucking apology because your ~feelings are hurt~ that someone responded to their experiences of systemic oppression with TOTALLY FIERCE and awesome rage.
Also “fancy yourself a minority”? REALLY??
- A) who the fuck said anything about minorities? A minority of WHAT, and WHERE?
- B) I assume you’re using “minority” as a euphemism for “marginalized” or “oppressed” in which case
- C) FUCK YOU.
- D) Who the hell wants to “fancy” themselves oppressed? And how can you possibly look at the horrifying story that amaevis just shared with us and suggest that amaevis is just “fancying” themself oppressed?
FUCK CIS PEOPLE. FUCK CIS PEOPLE.
We owe you no apologies.
You know, I feel really sad and upset.
Before I get lumped in as a member of any arguing party who thinks that reverse discrimination (i.e., oppressed group discriminating against privileged majority) is “just as bad” as when a member of a privileged group engages in oppressive behavior towards an individual who is in a marginalized, consistently-oppressed group, let me note that I DON’T THINK THAT. I think that it is absurd when people talk about “reverse racism” towards white people as comparable to the racism faced by people of color, for example.
Transphobia is real and awful and I can’t imagine experiencing what amaevis went through at the Lexington. I also feel sad that I can’t reach out as a positive member of the cislesbian, cisfemale population, because I’m being lumped into the same category as the asshole at the Lexington. Amaevis, I’m not necessarily directing this at you - your rage is understandable and I really sympathize with your sentiments. If I were a transwoman dealing with lesbians and other cispeople discriminating against me day after day, I’d probably say FUCK ‘EM at the end of the day, too. I’m not known for my restraint when it comes to expressing that kind of thing.
But the replies to this, and to other posts on tumblr, reiterating the fuck-cis-people-fuck-lesbians sentiment are what really throw me. I want to be an ally to the trans* community. I’m absolutely not not not “ASKING FOR APOLOGIES” from the trans* community; I’m asking how I can be an ally, how I can help this type of discrimination and abuse from continuing, how I can celebrate people’s identities with them. And I feel confused because hostility towards cislesbians makes me feel almost like I should apologize for being who I am — yet something I think we’d actually all agree with is that NONE of us should apologize for who we are, how we identify, who we relate to, who we love, who we want to have sex (or not) with, and the common enemies we all stand against: hate and discrimination.
I’m not saying the whole LGBTQI(etc) community should all be on the same page at all times, because each of us comes from our unique backgrounds and beliefs, but if there is one thing I would argue we should stand in solidarity against, it is hate.
And I don’t want to be hated or to feel hatred.
I’ve been waiting to weigh in, because I wanted things to settle a little bit first.
I’m honestly surprised it took so long for there to be some backlash. I mean, I was expecting it when I made the post. Even in my anger I realized my comment was inappropriate and was based in emotion. So I expected a backlash.
I don’t regret my comments or sentiment. I was angry. I had and have a right to be angry. It’s unfair to expect marginalized people to in the face of oppression to be the ones to have grace under fire, when the privileged group is anything but.
I also don’t regret the support of my comments and sentiment expressed by others, especially other trans* people. No, they did not go through the specific event I went through. But they experience events like it every day. So their rage is also valid.
What I want to specific address, though, is the idea that there is some necessity for marginalized groups to create a welcoming space for allies. There is not. Being an ally is the right thing to do. It simply means being a decent human being. And regardless of how hostile the marginalized group is to you, you have a responsibility to keep trying to be an ally in a way that is constructive to the marginalized group.
Yes, I’m East Asian, a first-generation immigrant, a woman, and trans*. But I also have a metric butt-ton of class privilege, am able-bodied, grew up in a house where I didn’t have to hold my parents’ heads over the toilet while vomiting (as children of alcoholics often do), didn’t have to sacrifice my childhood or education to raise my siblings, had a safe place (relatively) to come home to that was free of sexual abuse. All of these are privileges in the broad sense. Yes, some are systemic and structural, and others are not. But I’m not going to take anything for granted. If I am honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that I am blessed beyond words.
And on those axes where I have privilege, I have a moral obligation to be an ally, i.e. a decent human being. And even if the marginalized group hates me, I still have an obligation to be an ally, because it’s the right thing to do. If the poor or working class exclude me from things, I have to accept that. In a hostile world, they, like all marginalized people, have to protect themselves. If the disabled are angry or resentful at me for reaping the benefits of a world that is literally built for people like me, I have to accept that. If survivors of sexual assault rail at the fundamental unfairness that I wasn’t targeted but they were, or vent anger and frustration of the entire non-survivor class because certain non-survivors are insensitive, I have to accept that.
And the most important part of this is that none of these things can dissuade me from being an ally, i.e. a decent human being.