I think it’s absolutely acceptable to teach “don’t get raped” because it’s obnoxiously ignorant to think that you’re going to stop predatory RAPISTS by saying “now.. you know you’re not supposed rape girls right?” Don’t get me wrong, “don’t rape” is an important lesson especially for drunk college boys, spouses, and in any situation where consent could, possibly, in any alternate universe be put into question. However, the OUPD/Norman PD shouldn’t shamed for saying “Hey ladies, you know what you shouldn’t do? Parade around in your skivvies in a dark alley alone at 3am drunk on your cell phone!”
No, fuck you. It does count as rape when your spouse or (gender)friend or person around you doesn’t take no for an answer, or does it when you’re falling down drunk or asleep.
And for your information we already have that message about the stereotype that you only get raped if you go through bad (read as: black/poor) neighborhoods at night, what we don’t have is education that the vast majority of rapes are perpetrated by someone you know, what we don’t have is people being taught that consent isn’t something that should just be assumed if a no isn’t present, what we don’t have taught is that coercion is not consent and that someone failing to push away hard enough isn’t consent.
I feel like there has to be a middle ground. Because in the meantime people are being assaulted.
I really like the way that my Krav Maga instructor put it: Predators will stalk and assault anyways. Strategies and tactics to deflect attention are merely ways to help ensure that you alone are not the target. It doesn’t address the underlying problem, but it might keep you as an individual safe.
But it doesn’t. The vast majority of rapes are perpetrated by people known to the victim, and more than 50% of all rape/sexual assault incidents were reported by victims to have occured within 1 mile of their home or at their home, and 43% of rapes occur in the evening between 6pm and midnight.
The common idea of a rapist being a strange man hiding in the bushes just waiting to leap out and rape silly women who wander down dark alleys at night is a false one and it’s a damaging one.
There is no way of ‘ensuring’ you won’t get raped.
But if consent was taught- what is and what isn’t consent, how to navigate consent, etc etc- I most likely wouldn’t have been raped by my then girlfriend. I almost certainly wouldn’t have been molested by a kid I thought was my friend. Both of these situations occurred because they were ignorant of what good consent is and how to practice it. No-one had ever sat down with them and said “if you don’t get 100% freely given true consent, you should not touch or have sex with that person because that is assault and that is rape.” She doesn’t know she’s a rapist because her idea of a rapist is that fictional stranger in the bushes.
You can’t ensure you won’t get raped, but we can work on teaching people how to not be rapists.
I absolutely agree. But there is something to be said for risk reduction, which doesn’t take away the responsibility of rapists and rape culture. I’m not talking about dress and walking in the “wrong” neighborhood. We know those things don’t work. But I don’t think it’s a bad idea that I know what to do if someone 100 lbs heavier than me mounts me. Obviously that leaves many women behind, and it ignores the complexities of consent. But if it reduces the total number of rapes, then we should do it.
My only point is that there is not only one solution, and that it’s possible to admit more than one solution without taking responsibility off of the predator.
BTW, terms like predator, stalking, and grooming lead many to think of dark alleys. But they apply to family and home. Grooming in particular is very apt for acquaintance assault.